A Field Guide To Birders - 2nd Edition

Long ago, when I had the Cork-Dudeing Blog active, I wrote a field guide to the various types of birders out there. 

I felt it was time to republish it, including some new entries for modern times. It was an extremely popular posting back in the day. Here's hoping people find the new version equally enjoyable. 😉 It's meant to be tongue in cheek, so try and take it as such.

Whilst these encapsulate definite personality/character trends out there in birding, of course, some people can fit into more than one category.

The Super Hero 

The Super Hero is a rare bird finder without equal. They know their stuff. Work their arses off. Put themselves in the right locations at the right times of the year and produce the goods, time and again. 

Ends their super-human birding day with a cool pint before flying above the earth and smiling for the camera. Up, up and away.

The Jedi Master

The Jedi Master makes the singular effort to live out in some far flung location, like Obi-Wan Kenobi in exile, where they commune with the force and find birds. Under watched headlands and islands are their birding grounds where they work tirelessly, often without even putting their hand up. On those rare occasions you actually meet one, don't be surprised to learn they had multiple birds over the past few weeks that you never heard about.

The Robocop

The Robocop is a ridiculous creature, obsessed with having all the latest paraphernalia and tech associated with birding. Don't be surprised if they show up to a twitch with a giant, small-penis compensating camera, 5 scopes and the latest Swarovski bins. Do not be surprised if they bore everyone at a twitch with talk of camera settings either.

The Hamburglar

The Hamburglar is the scummiest, most hated entity in birding, replacing the "Slipstreamer" from the time before time (arseholes with initials like E. A. Who would submit birds they twitched, but did not find, to rarity committees just to see their name in print ahead of most other birders initials).

The Hamburglar claims findership/Co-findership of birds when no credit is due. Stood near someone who found a Pallid Harrier or Kentish Plover? Claim it.

Photographed someone else's Eastern Sub-Alp or South Polar Skua and sent the shots around the internet to have them identified for you? Ah sure whack it on your self found list, ya big Hamburglaring wankstrel ya. 🤣

The Brown Noser

Everyone knows a Brown Noser. You've all seen them haven't you? "Super sleuthing, Killian". "There's only one King" 🤮, "Such and such is a birding legend" 🤣

Being a crap birder is no barrier for advancement to the Brown Noser. Get that nose in there, Lick Arse! Slurp! 🤣

The Parasite 

The Parasite is an important one to ID as early as possible. A user through and through, the Parasite will latch on to you for everything. Lifts, ID Opinions, Food, Drink, you name it. They would live in your ear, as Eric Dempsey once said of the Kerry Babies. 🤣 Avoid them like the plague.

The Permadude

The Permadude is a dude by any other name, but one that has been around in birding for an extended period of time. 

Their list might grow, but their abilities don't, permanently solidified in frozen carbonite. Perfectly content to rely on better birders for identifications etc for the rest of their days BUT pretend that they are competent, and a core and crucial member of the birding community. Hires a guide for every trip. Couldn't identify their own arsehole during a colonoscopy. Hopeless. Might argue for years that the Slender-Billed Curlew was real.

The Committee Flag-Shagger

We all know committee flag-shaggers. "All my birds are accepted by such and such a committee." (Narrator's voice: They're probably not.)

They have lots of rules about what birds can be counted. "Only 3rd generation re-intro birds can be ticked." "Only birds from self sustaining populations can be ticked." Yadda yadda yadda boring. Usually they will have multiple birds that don't meet those rules themselves...BUT YOU have to follow their rules. 🤣

The Mental Case

Birding is full to the brim of nutters. 

Who knows why this hobby attracts so many of them. But they're here. Guys turning up to twitches with shoe polish trickling out of their hair. Stalking women. Tin foil hat wearers buying into conspiracy theories on COVID, Fluoride and 5G. Whackadoodles who think they're sorcerers casting spells from their garden sheds. Lads who think the earth is flat. Racists wearing high-viz vests to "manage" twitches. 

Unfortunately, if anything, normalization of nuttiness in birding seems to be the trend.

Avoid these at all costs. Cringe!

The Wannabe

The Wannabe is a pitiful creature, cringeworthy desperate to be a big name in birding at all costs. They are "fake it to make it" all the way. 

Plagiarize a dead mans identification books on your blogs? No problem.

Pretend to be an expert on Cormorant ID?

 

Sure Jan. 

Delete the many ID errors you make from your socials to appear virtuous and competent? Sure no one will notice at all. 🤣

The Traditional Stringer

The Bog standard stringer type. Patently obvious. Posts images claiming birds that are clearly misidentified or indeed photos more akin to an impressionist painting where nothing is identifiable at all. Incompetent to the point of delusional. Has dodo and moa on their list from their local patch.

The E-Stringer 

A new breed of stringer. Solely based in the digital realm of E-Bird. Uses the Merlin app to ID everything. Results as you would expect. Claims of 12 Laughing Gulls at the Cliffs of Moher, or 3 Pied Billed Grebes together in Cork ensue. Disaster.

Nonetheless, those pushing Ebird will claim it has more usage than ever. 🤦🤣

The Podcaster

A new strain of Birder whose population exploded during the COVID lockdown era. Clearly suffering some mid-life crisis. Mental breakdowns prominent, resulting in abrupt disappearances off social media. Uses phrases like "It's gonna be lit" and flame 🔥 emojis, desperate to appeal to Gen-Z. Birding career highlights seem to be feeding the ducks down the local park.

The Guru

Writes books. Identifies everything. Knows their shit. Haunts ID forums. Generally invaluable. Doesn't bird anymore due to email overload.

The WhatsApp Control Freak

Another new split since the advent of the messenger app group. Admins a WhatsApp group. Highly controlling. Dictates who can join, who can say what. Loves the faux power of it all. Attracts the saddest individuals in birding.

The Parabolic Wanker

Another new breed since the advent of sound recording. Constantly seen with a giant parabolic microphone. Leaves recording devices out at night. Gets everything recorded identified by other people. Finds nothing in real life. 

The Local Patcher

The birding equivalent of a vegan. Want to know if someone is a local patcher? Don't worry.... they'll tell you!

Never leaves their one site. Dreams of common birds in that one bush they know. Talked so much about their patch, now basically trapped there. 😉

The Low Carbon Hero

One step up from the Local Patcher. The born again Christian of birding. Probably had many carbonized miles to their name back in the day.

Only watches birds if they walk or cycle to them. Consequently sees nothing. Lots of spare time on their hands therefore, which they use to annoy other birders online about carbon footprints. 😉 ...they ain't wrong though. Much as some people might wish they were.

The Plain Old Bully

Bullies exist in all walks of life, and birding is no different. Like all bullies they tend to be cowards. They feel particularly brave when behind a keyboard or in a gang of their mates. They can generally be dealt with the same as any bully. Stand toe to toe with them in the field and watch them cower. Though be prepared for them to claim they're the ones being bullied! 🤣

The Big Lister - Small Penis

A very common one in birding. People who equate a big twitch list with being competent. Generally get very angry if anyone suggests that a big list is no compensation for ability. Would twitch a dodo if a guru claimed to have seen one.

 

The Has-been/Never Was

A sad case birder facing the reality of their own mortality. Always wanted to be one of the big boys, but never quite made it. Would love to have been on a rarity committee proper or found a first national record but again, never came close. Now swears blind that chasing or finding rare birds is nonsense and that moths/butterflies/dragonflies/ladybirds are where all the cool kids hang out. 

The Social Media Whore

The Social Media Whore is solely in it for the likes. To the point where you would wonder whether they really like birds at all.

Everything they see is amazing or outrageous. Could be a feckin Robin. Click that like button. 🤦

The Soap Opera Digest

A real periphery, non-entity in birding. Only appears, usually online, if there's some drama or controversy they can get involved in and make themselves feel like one of the boys. Picks up their binoculars once or twice a year. Has "birder" in their social media handle but you would be hard pressed to find any birding content in their feed between wordle, running, cycling, football posts. No one knows why they bother. No one bothers to ask. 

The Sniper

Likes to sneak down to Tacumshin mid week when everyone else is in work. The prick.

Would definitely be you if you were off.

The Camouflage 

Another common one. A birder who has watched "Predator" a bit too much. May truly believe they are invisible to the naked eye. Never washes that jacket. Boxer shorts also possibly camouflage...

Big Lens - No Bins

Also known as a togger, the big lens no bins brigade are now a large part of the birding scene. Occasionally "find" a bird solely through posting birds they can't ID. Get a bit snippy if anyone else claims to have found it then. 

Always asking where they can "see" things up close. Never buys a scope. Constantly up the arse of any given Short-Eared Owl.

The Alco

The Alco goes birding 2 weeks out of the year. Heads for a birding hot spot like Cape Clear. Spends all their time in the pub. Only leaves pub if a good birds are found. No one considers it a problem for some reason. 

Notes:

Never forget that every online rare bird conversation will essentially go the same way. 😉

And a final note: You actually can't watch Predator too much...